Ep. 11: Is My Child Being Abused At School?

Parenting Severe Autism mom & podcast host Shannon Chamberlin shares a few stories about the rapid decline of her son's happiness and demeanor, directly related to being abused and mistreated at school. Shannon will share specifics on this subject and a possible technological ally to help combat this frightening problem.  

Transcript to be added by 9/29/22

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Transcript

Shannon Chamberlin: 0:18

Hello and welcome to The Parenting Severe Autism podcast. I am your host Shannon Chamberlin, I'm so happy that you're here with me today. Today's episode is focused on one of our greatest fears as parents: Is my special needs, nonverbal child being abused at school? For transcripts, show notes and product recommendations for this episode, y ou can find all of that at my website for the podcast at PSA (short for parenting severe autism)psa.buzzsprout.com. What are some things that would make us think such a terrible thing might be happening to our child? Well, here's a great story as an example of when my child was not being abused at school. We had that notebook that I talked to you numerous times about. And he was in about second or third grade, he came home, he normally would come in the door and come straight down the hallway into the living room and give us his backpack with his notebook. And one day, he did not come straight down the hallway. He said hi, in his own way, when he came in the door that day, and he sounded fine. But he didn't come straight down the hall into the living room. And we were puzzled and kind of looking at each other waiting to see what was happening. And his dad said, Are you coming in here? And our son said, "just a one minoss", and it was so cute. Well, we waited and he finally did come in with his backpack. And he gave us the backpack, we dug the notebook out of the backpack like we did every day. And, where the teacher wrote whatever happened that day, Jacob had crossed everything out with a pencil that was in his backpack and just wrote, Jacob had a good day in his own terrible handwriting. And that was when we noticed, oh, this is really important for him to make us think that he had a great day at school, it's so important that he would cover his tracks and lie and just be a complete criminal about it. And we were really proud! You know, that's really interesting for us to know about him, he had a few words at that age. And those were - those were it, you know, Jacob was home and just one minoss, and that was about it. And it was just the cutest thing. Well, after that, you know, he got older and he got into different schools. And we did have to move once or twice, which also is a little bit difficult for him. But he never was really attached to any one teacher or one classroom. So it didn't really affect him in that way. But I think that whether we moved or not just him getting older, chronologically, like I mentioned, in our last episode, the teachers and the staff expect that he's going to be different, and I don't know smarter and faster and better than he was when he's just the same kid. He's just older. So I think that is the biggest problem for him. But we got to be, it was like 2011 - 2012, which means he was around 11, or 12. And we started getting these horrible feelings from just him coming home from school, the reports that we were seeing in the communication notebook and his actions, those are the first two red flags for us when the teachers stopped paying attention to the communication notebook and using it in the way that was directed in the IEP. And when his behavior started to reflect the negligence of the teachers using the notebook the way they're supposed to. So we know like I just told you, it affects him greatly one way or the other. And if he thinks that they're not reporting correctly, or whatever it is, it affects him on a psychological level, it So. I started feeling like, Oh, something is seriously wrong. I seems like. don't know what it is. We had meetings upon meetings and phone calls. And we were constantly in contact with the staff at the school and we just couldn't get any answers. We couldn't get a feeling one way or the other. They acted like there were no reasons for any of our concerns, of course, right? And, it just was so terrible. I was fighting every day to find something that would prove that they're mistreating my child. Now, when I say that my child is being abused at school, I mean it because you're talking about someone who has no voice. He can't tell us what is going on. He does have a code. Well, he did when he - before he lost most of his speech at 15. He had a way of speaking which, you know, he had a certain number of words in his vocabulary. And if something happened to him or when he was with someone else, it would always take about three weeks and it would come out in all of his echolalia and just you know, random chatter that he would do just babbling. All of a sudden you would hear words a word here, two words there, another word, and you would have to remember all those words that you heard during this whole rambling and then you realize that he just told you what happened at a certain point in his life. And hey, three weeks is too long when the child has to go to school five days a week, and I don't care if someone is just simply putting words in his mouth or forcing him to do things that he normally would object to if he were a regular student - and look, neurotypical kids also suffer from abuse at school. I saw it when I was in school, they're just mistreated. I had a lot of friends who were in the special ed classroom, they were very nice kids, they just were slow at learning, or they didn't learn the same way as the rest of us. And teachers talked to them with such disrespect, and like they were stupid. And then the other kids I noticed who always got treated with disrespect, were those who were a little more eccentric, they dressed way differently, or, you know, they just were kind of loners. And they always got treated with a good amount of disrespect as well. And that was me, I was in that group. So I do know from experience that regular kids suffer from it too. But when you don't have a voice, and you can't tell your parents and you can't tell the teacher to fuck off, it's a problem and that is abuse. Okay? So that is what I'm talking about when I say is my child being abused at school? Anyone who's taking advantage of my child's situation and his inability to communicate is abusing my child, right? So I wished that I could get nanny cams and I mentioned in a different episode, I think the eloping episodes that I had wished for that but they were so expensive back in 2011 2012, it was just impossible. They were either really big in like a big stuffed animal, there's no way your kid could keep a big stuffed animal on his desk or table, you know, or they were something that you would affix to the clothing. And it would be I think, very noticeable for both the teacher and the student and my child would never leave something on his person if he knew it had a function. It was really hard for us to be able to do that to monitor what is going on at school. And we went from that school to another school, we moved even further up north into Wisconsin, and we had two years in a row where the average daily temperature without Windchill was 26 below zero. Two years in a row average daily temp 26 below zero. I always made sure that our child had a turtleneck and a T shirt and a sweater that he could put on if he was cold, you know, because he was always really skinny, burnin' all them calories from flapping and everything you know. And one day he came home with his long sleeve shirt. He didn't want to wear a turtleneck that day. So we had a long sleeve shirt and a T shirt. I think that was underneath the long sleeve because it was one of his favorite long sleeve shirts. And he doesn't want to cover it up. So his long sleeve shirt was in his backpack when he got home in 26-below weather. Of course, he has a nice coat and everything. But that's not the way I sent him to school. And that's not the way he's supposed to return to me, I want him back in the same condition that I sent him out. I think that's fair enough. And when I inquired about Why, what happened here, they said that the shirt was against their school policy. So I guess, you know, it was our fault. We didn't pay attention because of all the other stuff we have to do to get this individual ready. We have to live his entire life for him just to get him on the bus. He won't do anything by himself, of course. And he was, I don't know had to be 13 at this time. And we I guess missed the shirt. The shirt was a Call of Duty shirt and it had a soldier on it. It did not have a picture of a weapon on the shirt. It did not have that. But it had a soldier with his night vision goggles on and some other stuff on him. And it was just kind of like a head and shoulders shot from the game cover or something, you know, not a big deal. But I guess it was big enough that they removed the shirt from my child and I said you do not ever have the right to Remove clothing from my child. I don't care how badly it offends you. You call me what is wrong with you. When I was in school and I wore an inappropriate Guns and Roses shirt to school, I had to turn it inside out. The teacher didn't remove it. So that's a problem. Why would you do that to a kid who cannot speak and who is so skinny? He needs extra clothes. What is wrong with you? And I taught my son that day and every day of school since then, every day I drilled it into him during breakfast or during tying the shoes and all that what do you say if a teacher touches you? I don't care - I don't care how the teacher touches him. I showed him all different ways; If the teacher tries to touch your shirt, if the teacher tries to move you physically, if anyone touches you at school, this is what you say. And I told him don't ever let them take these clothes off of you again and that you say no teacher! that's a bad teacher! Don't touch me! Bad teacher! And I taught him to yell, yell as loud as you can. Bad Teacher! No teacher! And he loved that because he loves yelling at people and telling them they're bad. So that was perfect. So it was really easy for him to learn that and I taught him every day no teacher, bad teacher, no teacher, Bad Teacher. Then the following year, the teachers changed in the same school and things got really crazy. That was in the winter. And then I guess it was that fall is when he got new teachers and was having instant meltdowns as soon as he got off the bus just throwing himself down. out on the gravel driveway and just crying. And it was - it was a meltdown, but it was a different kind of meltdown than I had ever seen before. And I know that we all think that well, the child is melting down, because they demand a lot of them at school, and they're trying really hard, and they're trying to focus and they're doing the best they can. And it's just really hard. And when they finally get off the bus, and they feel that they're in a safe and familiar place, even if it's the driveway, they're going to just melt. And that's fine. I understand that. But there was more to it at that point. There was more. I knew something was wrong, me and his dad, you know, started talking about it, and we start calling the school every day. And why is my child throwing himself in the driveway? Why is it so bad? What is going on? And we didn't get any answers. "Oh, I don't know, I don't know."And as time went on, and this only took a week or so you know, we don't waste a lot of time, but we like to make sure that stuff is consistent because he's pretty moody. And it doesn't always stay around, you know. So it did stay around and things got worse, his attitude started turning bad. He got very depressed and just dark, you know, and we did some more investigating. And then they told us about, "Oh there's a - there's a girl on the bus that he goes to school with, and she's..." The way they said it was - this is the same idiot teacher that forced him into an assembly situation that I told you about last episode - This one tells me about this girl"Oh, well, there's a girl and I guess you could say she's a bully, but really, you know, she's like, she thinks she's like an older sister to him. And So the behaviors continued, slightly less dark because the she's very responsible. And so I guess it can seem like she's domineering. But she sits with him on the bus, and she likes to make sure he's got all his stuff together. and she makes sure he puts his seatbelt on and you know, just things like that." And we were like, wait, hold up, the first word you used was bully, okay? None of the other stuff you're saying matters right now, no one has ever had to sit with our son as a peer and make sure that all his stuff is in his bag and that he has girl wasn't bullying him on the bus, we had another emergency his seatbelt on. That's not her job. We don't want her around. We've been asking you for days what's wrong with our kid, you've known this whole time that it's that girl. Keep her away from our son. And we went and we talked to the bus driver that girl is not to sit near our son. And we would go down to the bus stop - instead of waiting in the truck like usual, we would park the truck and go stand right there where we could see everyone in the windows and make sure that no one was near our IEP and we learned from this same idiot teacher that this child. And we got a picture of'who is that girl?' and we were looking for her and she never sat near him for like a week, you know, and then things were just worse. You know, there was no monitor on that bus. I'm not sure what was going on there. It was just kind of a podunk town and I don't know what was going on but behaviors continued, they... he was slightly less dark. Before we stopped this bully nonsense, he was just girl sits next to our son in two classes. That teacher teaches sitting at the table in the morning, you know, hanging his head down looking very, very distraught and angry and depressed and just shaking his head and just completely different kid than who he was a month before. And I mean, I couldn't stand seeing him that way. He he used to love life and he just hated everything. And I know ateenagers go through that. You know, when we're teenagers, we go through that that's fine. This was different. I know you know what I mean? So the behaviors continued slightly less dark because the girl both classes. She did get the memo, we spoke directly to her wasn't bullying him on the bus we had another emergency IEP and we learned from this same idiot teacher that this girl sits next to our son in two classes. That teacher teaches both classes she did get the memo we spoke directly to her that that girl is not to be near our son why in the world she couldn't change up the seating chart in her two classes that had the two of them together. I don't know but it tells me that she doesn't have any respect for my son. Nobody treats my son with respect that that girl is not to be near our son. Why in the world she unless I demand it right. And I have been teaching him that for years ever since he was about eight years old and I'll tell you more about that And so again, we voiced the rules for our son to be alive couldn't change up the seating chart in her two classes that and attend that school. That girl must not be near him and a couple of days later I was, you know, our son gets a bath like every other day and so I was giving him a bath I went to wash behind his ears and normally bath time for us is a really fun time I make little sugar body scrubs for him and the sensation on his skin just drives him nuts and it just it makes him giggle had the two of them together, I don't know, but it tells me that and you know, and he's got really waxy skin in some parts and really dry skin in others and you know - so I just pamper him and do the sugar scrub and do all this you know fun stuff for his hair and he loves it when you wash his face, and so it's just a real good pampering exercise a few times a week for him. And we really had fun with it. Well, I have always been very gentle with him, of course, and I went to wash behind his ears during the spa. And this poor kid got so small, so fast and just hunched forward and said in she doesn't have any respect for my son. Nobody treats my son the smallest little voice,"ouch." And instantly that broke my heart. I thought I broke him, you know, like, oh, no, what happened? And so I tried to be very calm while I asked him, I tried to be very calm while I asked him what that was all about. And he said, Teacher hurts me ears. And I asked him how, what does that mean? And he, he didn't know what - you know how to answer me, of course, and - but you always you always try to ask a regular question, see if you can get with respect unless I demand it, right? And I have been teaching anything out of him, right? But I asked him, can you show me? And I gave him my ear? I said,"Can you show me on my ear why your ear hurts?" And he instantly reached his hand up to my ear. But then he stopped and withdrew his hand and just looked at me like, I don't want to do that. And I said, it's okay. And he just really didn't want to do it. I said, It's okay, you're not gonna get in trouble. And it's okay. I don't, I don't care. Just show me what happened. And he took his thumb him that for years ever since he was about eight years old and and forefinger and grabbed the meaty part of my ear, not the top, where you always see in TV shows and movies where moms, you know, will drag their kids around by their ears. No, not the top. The meaty part right by the ear canal. And he put his thumb and forefinger around my ear right there and pinched. And he didn't pinch hard on me. I know he didn't want to hurt me, you know, but it was appalling. And I felt so bad for him. And I just tried to, you know, give him a little extra pampering, I I'll tell you more about that some other time but you know she didn't want to make a big deal of it. I didn't want to scare him or give him any memories of, you know, me freaking out or giving him a reason to feel that he should be freaking out. You know, I didn't want to just impose anything upon him. So I tried to stay as calm as possible and give him a little extra TLC and be a little even extra nice to him, you know, just to get him out of that memory real quick. But he seemed so sad. In the morning. I said - You know, his dad worked at did get the memo and she just didn't care. She - I don't know night, and he would get home after I put Jacob to bed - so I told him when he got home and in the morning after breakfast, and after everything was you know, he was completely ready for school, I said, Hey, show Daddy what the teacher did to Jacob's ear. And he again hesitated and daddy said, yeah, it's okay. It's fine. Just show me, you won't hurt me. It's fine. And he showed him, and he did squeeze probably as hard as he believes the teacher squeezed his ear on his dad. And his dad was, of if she liked seeing him suffer or if she liked that girl course, also tried to be very calm, and oh, no, you know, that's, that's not very nice, or whatever it was. But as soon as we got that kid on the bus, we were just just livid and trying to figure out what are we going to do? What are we going to do? But he you know, we compared stories, we compared experiences with the pinching of the ear for each of us and just went over it and over it to make sure that we weren't reading something into getting her rocks off by you know, domineering my son. I it or overreacting or anything before we call the school and then we call the school and had an emergency IEP. And of course, they denied anything with laughter like, oh, that's that's absurd, or whatever, you know, they just totally blew it off. But that teacher who he said, It's harsh. I asked the name of the teacher, and he gave me her name, the idiot. So she is the problem, right? He only had three teachers to choose from, and he told me which one it was, and it was the idiot. And so we don't know what the problem was. But it was just, it was terrible. called and accused the idiot without accusing her. And she denied that, but she actually at that time, admitted that Well, I did remove the partition between the desks with that bully girl and our son, that wasn't what we asked for. We asked for you to remove the girl, not the partition. Now. There's no barrier between the two. And he hates her. I mean, he hates her. Why would you not hate your bully? Right? No one treats him like that little girl that why would you subject him to that it's just terrible. So with an obvious disrespect for our son and his needs and his feelings and his humanity, we decided that we had to pull him out, I know that we probably should have pursued legal measures against the school and the teacher and everything. But you might already know this schools, man, they make it really hard for you to pursue things like that and to prove anything and the crap that we would have had to drag him through in order to do that, because it's going to create a lot of stress on us. We're the only caregivers it was just a better idea just to pull him out and remove him from the situation because if we didn't, he would still be suffering. And then we would all be suffering through an entire legal process that would probably end nowhere. So we pulled him out and we were going to just homeschool him but he was so negative and so damaged that we ended up within a few days deciding, hey, there's a thing called non schooling and we're going to give that a try. So we non schooled him for about six months. And just let him detox from those experiences. And then when he started to seem like he was more comfortable with learning things, and he wasn't having flashbacks, and you know, all the negative feelings that come with touch math or reading or doing a puzzle, then we started throwing some of those in there to keep his brain active and keep him engaged, you know, and I started doing home school with them. And like I've said before, he and I have always gotten along with like language, he'll throw out some gibberish at me, and I'll try to decipher what he's trying to say. And I'll write it on a board and we'll work it out. And it's really fun for both of us. And he likes that I take an interest in him. So we've always had that, which is great, but he still didn't have a lot of patience for the entire idea of homeschooling. So we just did what we could. And he was actually out of school for one and a half years before he indicated that he was willing to give it a try. We asked him all the time, you know, do you want to go to school soon? No. So until he said, Yeah, we never considered it. And then when we got him back into school, they said that we made him worse. What actually happened is he turned 15 And he became an insomniac. And he lost all of his skills and most of his speech, and it's just something that comes with severe autism. But the school insisted that us pulling him out and homeschooling because I guess we're just stupid made him worse. So that is my story about abuse. What I will say about product recommendations is this angel sense that I've told you about for tracking when they run away and elope? And all of that stuff? Guess what Angel sense has a one way listening capability and it comes with the kit. So you just you can hear their stories on their website, several of them about oh, my kid was getting bullied on the bus and I could hear what was going on. I could hear that something happened with the the mechanical, some kind of mechanical issue with the bus and there was a problem and I knew right where he was. And I could go pick him up that one way listening, you can listen all day, I highly recommend getting this angel sense. I wish I would have found it while our son was in school because I have a feeling that nine tenths of the things that they blamed him for were actually not his fault. And I could never prove it. But I know that they disrespect our kids. I know that they mistreat our kids, I know that they've disobey parent law and IEPs and everything. And if you can get that angel sense, it's a very affordable device. The service itself is only like 40 bucks a month and it is so worth it to know where your kid is at and who's treating your kid well or badly or anything who they're talking to. And if ever you need to you can actually communicate with your child and those around your child through a speaker device. It's a two way communication system on this angel sense but you can always employ the one way listening device just to make sure that they're treating your child the right way. Isn't that awesome? I highly recommend it and I think they're running a special right now I'm going to put a link to the product in my show notes on PSA dot Buzz sprout.com Man, how great would that have been for me ever since he was 11 years old to be able to hear the other end of what was going on and how people are treating my kid he can't tell me and we have every right to find a technology that fits into our lives that will be our eyes and ears when our child cannot communicate what is going on. It's so important guys. What are your red flags? What are some things that cause you to feel that you need a little fly on the wall at school? I would love to hear your story you can email it to me or you can leave it in the comments when I leave this episode on my Facebook page that page is the parenting severe autism podcast Facebook page and the email is contact dot parenting severe autism@gmail.com I would love to share some of your tips and tricks if you have any red flags that make you feel like something's wrong whether it's at school or on the bus or in extra curricular you know special needs programs or anything like that and babysitters anything. My next episode we're going to talk a little bit more about school and the things that we have to deal with. You know, there's a lot of territory to cover there. So I will look forward to delivering some more enlightening information. Hopefully I'll have a funny story for you next time. And thank you so much for listening. I know you're super busy and I you know hang in there. You are a superhero